This one was different.

The following video just came up on my Facebook NewsFeed. I’m not sure what to think of it. I’ve posted it below.

At about 1:10 into the video is what throws me off. I just am not sure what to think. I didn’t quite expect that crowd to be there in the background.

I laughed regardless.

What did you think?

Ungentlemanly, But is it Wrong?

Why is it that when a man picks a girl up for a date, he always has to get out of the car and go to the front door. Sometimes we meet the parents, sometimes not. All to often it’s awkward, almost uncomfortable, and always just a bunch of social formalities being said. Even then, more than half the time it doesn’t go past one or two dates before one side ends it, so why even bother having him meet the parents or approach the door?

Why can’t we just be allowed to call or text when we’re in front of the house? I know it’s not as gentleman like or chevalier as we could (and rightfully should) be. However it’s not like we’re in a relationship, heck more likely than not it won’t work out anyways. So why not spare the guy all the uncomfortable and awkward moments. He doesn’t need to meet your parents, he doesn’t need to pass any judgemental parental requirements until at least after the first few dates, and that’s if he gets that far. Big IF.

If anything, the guy deserves not to have to go ring the front door. We pay for the whole experience (and it isn’t always cheap). If it’s not one of those basic coffee or lounge dates the bill can really rack up. Factor flight/travel costs, meal costs, activity costs, rental or gas costs (especially for situations where the guy flies a girls in… yes I am one of those guys since I can’t always take off to NY to date). Dating is simply not cheap, and therefore I argue that the men should call the shots as we’re usually the ones expensing the entire evening and therefore we deserve to be as comfortable as possible. 

I know most girls dream of their knight in shining armor marching to the door and escorting them out, however that isn’t reality. Why couldn’t they wait until at least a second or third date when the two already have begun to start knowing each other.

As I see it, it is just another thing girls make guys do to satisfy their fantasy notions. Something I don’t mind,  just please not for the first date.

I Have Purim Costume Envy.

I better publish this before we get too far away from purim.

I’m a guy and I will fully admit that I like dressing up for purim. Upon verbalizing it, I now realize how emasculating that sounds.

What I am trying to say is that I enjoy a good costume. I like the attention, Yes. I am a bit of an attention whore but I’m not one of those in-your-face look-at-me types. I enjoy putting on a good display that is very clever or funny for the entertainment of everyone around me. It’s a great conversation starter, it makes for a great story, it’s good memories and fun times. I just like doing the whole purim shpeel and getting really into it. I feel that if I don’t do something for purim it’s as if I didn’t celebrate the holiday and I feel like I missed out. I’m not sure how to explain it other than to say it feels something like not keeping shabbos on shabbos.

While individuals can come up with clever or creative or funny costumes, you just can’t beat a group costume.

I totally wish I could be in a relationship through purim for once and do something totally as a couple… as I’ve said, I like costumes and  I like doing fun and outrageous stuff… and yes it’s partly for the attention… I know it and fully admit it.. but what’s wrong with that? I’m not trying to steal attention or anything like that… I’m just trying to be outrageous enough that people can laugh and have a really fun time around me because whatever im doing / dressed as is totally funny/cool/clever.  As I’ve mentioned above, you just can’t beat a group costume… so I think dating on purim is the best, you get to show up in a costume and technically you have a partner to dress up similar .. hey 1 is a lonely number, 2 is few.. and 3 is a group…  well at least with a date you’re almost a group and that’s 1 step closer in the right direction for super cool purim costumes.

I think when I eventually settle down one of the first purims I’ll try to convince her to dress as a burglar.. We’d go as partners in crime… yeah its cheesy, but it would be funny – Handcuffs and all.

Why must it be so discreet?

Isn’t it interesting how much of the shidduch scene is very hush-hush.  For me there have been several couples in the last few months that have become engaged, all of which I believe were very hushhushed. Not the engaged part, but the dating counterpart.

I know that’s the point of shidduch dating, to be discreet. But wouldn’t you want to be able to enjoy some of the liberties of openly dating as a couple. Especially once you know it’s a sure-fire thing (you both know he/she is the one).

The benefits being; you can socially go out with other couples or events. Can opt for more open dates such as popular restaurants, volunteer together and do… well pretty much anything as you have no worries about anyone finding out.

Heck you can finally be seen in public and not have to constantly look over your shoulder with that worried feeling that you might see someone you know.

Sure you could argue that you may as well get engaged since you can do all of those things (and more) during that time period. However the way I see it, dating is one of the most fun and enjoyable times of a relationship. You have the least amount of responsibilities, dates are often new and exciting, everything is very fresh and fun. I’m not saying date excessively long, but for the bare minimum to date openly and let everyone know, or at least not hide it. This way no one is taken by surprise when a couple gets engaged, and everyone can enjoy in the simcha!

All too often I hear of friends who have been living under a rock or working long hours and losing touch. Only to reemerge a few weeks/months later finding out they’ve been completely left out of the loop (Say hello to Facebook, your social life-preserver). While friends are overjoyed, I think everyone in this type of boat feels a small knot of sadness that they didn’t find out sooner.

One last point that I have for openly dating and I can sum up in one word, “FACEBOOK”.

Kidding!! Kidding!

She Got a Nose Job.

Recently I had a conversation with one of my good friends about frum girls getting plastic(aesthetic) surgery. My friend happens to be in medical residency and has experience with plastics. For sake of anonymity I’ll call this eligible doctor friend “Ed”.

It wasn’t so much a debate as it was Ed claiming that a lot of girls (from frum families) often get surgery and myself refusing to believe such bubbe-maisehs.

(For the sake of this conversation, girl frum = shabbos, kosher, davening, snius)

I guess I have always associated plastic surgery with Hollywood/Movies, and TV. Other than for medical purposes I can’t fathom how a typical frum family can be so casual with something that in my view comes from such non-Jewish values.

How does that even work?? Does a girl one day go up to her parents; “Hey Dad, Can I get a nose job? I think it’ll increase my shidduch potential!”, and the Dad is like “Great Idea!, Go tell your mom!”

Unless the girl is seriously unattractive and really does need a surgeons magic for shidduchim purposes, I have a hard time comprehending the realistic and practical need for any aesthetic surgery.

After the conversation with Ed, I was absolutely floored that it could be so common. I decided I would start polling around. I couldn’t help my curiosity, how common is it for jewish girls to change their features?

So after speaking to a few friends who admitted they got surgery (and yes, these are eligible attractive frum maidels). For the most part, the girls only went for Rhinoplasty, aka nose jobs. Ok, it’s not really changing their looks a whole lot or hiding serious deformities. But a simple google image search will show you that a nose job does indeed make someone go up several notches on the attractive scale. (Note: I’m still waiting to see their before/after photos.. I’ll make an update posting when I see them).

So how does this affect shidduch dating? I guess as a guy, wouldn’t we want a little disclosure when shidduch dating with a girl? I feel like it’s a secret way for girls to hide their true genetics. Imagine having kids and they come out like little monsters “well honey, that ain’t from my side of the family, care to explain?”. Likely most guys won’t care, after all they’re with someone totally attractive and proud to be with, heck their potential life long search is over and that’s enough for them.

How does this affect the girls shidduch dating, for starters just average girls are becoming above average in looks giving them a higher competitive edge on the shidduch scene with boys, the other average girls are left fighting over the scraps. This will eventually lead to unrealistic expectations for average guys looking for above average girls (read: Shidduch Crisis). I’m not saying this is the cause of the crisis or even a factor, but this is potentially one area that certainly doesn’t mitigate the crisis.

To be fair, I found one buddy who got a nose job, however that was for a Deviated Septum.. so he’s off the hook as it’s medical purpose.

There Are Picky Girls Out There.

I like to think I’m not a picky person when it comes to dating. I have my boundaries and limits, and I do have certain established requirements that I feel are required in a partner.

But on the whole I like to think that I am flexible (to varying sensical degrees) with most of my criteria for who I am willing to date or not date. I’m willing to accept my future partner is not the girl I may currently envision and that this imaginary girl I am looking for may be vastly different then the reality when comparing her to the image I have painted in my mind.

Even though I’ve heard the craziest stories from friends and their experiences, I truly had the hardest time believing there were individuals with the most unrealistic expectations of their future spouse. That is until I went out with one.

It actually took the 3rd or 4th date for the girl to show her true self. The first two or three dates were really great. We were having fun (at least she seemed to be having fun), and I found she was pretty, intelligent, and overall an amazing positive person! I was really into this girl and we had very similar views and hashkafas. She was a few months older than me though, but I don’t think that really mattered much.

We’re on this 3rd or 4th date and we’re sitting down sipping our Starbucks after coming back from some activity we did earlier that evening. Winding down a somewhat successful night, (Wasn’t without its hitches but overall I was happy with the way things had gone) and we began talking a bit more seriously about things.

So I had asked if there were any issues that she would like to seriously discuss. I had flown into NYC to date her, and I was leaving the next day. She says, “yeah, actually I do. You mentioned you don’t care to learn more than once a week”.

At some point I had off handedly mentioned that I have this internal feeling for myself  (call it a craving or gut feeling if you must) to learn at least once a week. This is my personal minimum that I think I require to feel good about myself and feel good about my personal growth and development progress. If I don’t get at least that minimum amount in, I get this voice in the back of my head that bugs me to better myself.

Before I forget, let me just mention that I at that point in my life I was learning for a bit more than an hour each day from 6a.m. as part of this morning learning program I joined. Now by no means am I a learner, nor even a good one at that. In fact my Talmud translation skills are horrible, and I am really just not all that advanced. But I do have a love for Torah and knowledge and I was working part-time and taking school and so I figured I could hack an early morning schedule.

Here is where the crazy started. She then goes on to say that what I had said bothered her. She felt her future spouse will be the type of guy who wants to learn minimally twice a week and nothing less (she wouldn’t settle with a guy who learnt less than)…

Now I hadn’t exactly clarified what a “minimum once a week” meant to me. Could be an hour, could be 2 hours. Heck it could be 10 minutes! the point being that I need to do something each week to keep my spiritual development going. That doesn’t mean to say I will always learn each week. I hate to say it girls, to all of you who are reading this… I’m the type of guy who may not learn at all should I not get the chance. (I probably just killed my shidduch potential in the eyes of all the shadchanum).

The way I figure it, one day should I be fortunate and have kids. If my wife comes up to me and asks me to handle the baby so she can get some relief. I’m not going to dump the baby back and say, “Na uh, I’m out honey I’m off to learning! sorry I can’t watch the kid right now. I must get my learning quota in for the week!”.

I know there will be times in my life where other issues will become higher priority than learning. There may be times when I have to work late every day and can’t get out to learn. Maybe there will be times when my kids need devoted attention more than I need my learning. I recognize the virtues of learning but I am not the type of guy that can just drop everything to fill some imaginary quota.

Anyhow, knowing all to well that this was the gong that chimed the end of the developing relationship I felt compelled to amuse myself and figure out what exactly her twice a week minimum entailed. After all there must be some logic to her thinking, right?

So I asked, “Did that mean 1 hour today and 1 hour tomorrow, or could he if busy just pile it all in 2 hours today and none tomorrow (for his weekly quota)… Or what about, could he just do 15 minutes today and 15 minutes tomorrow.. I think that’s considered twice right?!…”

and that was the last date with that girl… not bad considering it was a 3rd or 4th date.