Another great post by the excellent blogger Bad4. Her blog can be found here.
I’d like to respond to a comment made by the first commentator Gavi who wrote;
I have given the advice to many people that dating, at least for the first few dates, should be about having fun with the person, seeing if you are compatible in the sense of simply enjoying each others’ company. If that works out, then you can start to worry about all those “deep life questions” that the yeshiva world tries to make you ask in the first thirty minutes of the first date.
@ Gavi. I agree with your last paragraph. Totally.
I think many guys and girls forget that the basis for a real/stable relationship is friendship. The shidduch process, and by that I mean the shadchans and shidduch resumes should filter people that are on paper compatible with you. The next part of the process is taking the person out and having a good time, trying to connect and start a new friendship. In this way both of you can truly enjoy each others company and sense each others chemistry.
If there’s a lack of chemistry or you’ve discovered something about their personality that doesn’t jive with you, or some topic that’s been brought up has changed your opinion about them. Then and only then does it make sense to end the brief friendship.
Excuses like you’re not smitten in love, or whatever bologna excuses people come up with these days… they’re just that… excuses. Dating is an adult game, you have to be real, genuine, and sincere. Excuses are for teenagers, and we’re way past that stage.
There are many valid reasons for ending a relationship, but there are even more excuses… It’s unfortunate I hear people break up more for excuses then for real tangible reasons.
Lastly, I find that people take dating too seriously. I mean that the attitude they take when going on dates is too serious and rigid… (some might say anal-retentive…). The message I’m trying to portray is that when going out on dates, your attitude should be about having fun. It doesn’t matter who it is, or what they look like, or any other stigma we concoct in our heads. We date and go out with people to get to know them better, the purpose is ultimately to find someone you’re comfortable sharing the rest of your life with. One, two, three, four dates… whatever amount you end up going on, in the scheme of things really doesn’t matter, but being positive and enjoying your time is. What matters is that you’re living your life in the NOW, and you need to enjoy it. Whether you end it after one or end it after three, ultimately you need to still enjoy your life while you look for your basheret.
(Otherwise you’ll be miserable, and people around you can sense it)
You will be way more likely to find someone you’re compatible and happy with if you’re enjoying yourself and having a good time (re: positive) then you would if you got super serious right away. It’ll also be doing your basheret a huge favour. If you can laugh and be positive he’ll quickly see you for who you are to him. We all want someone we can be happy with, and it’s much easier to see that when your positive, happy and having fun.