Believe in Yourself

I was reading up on some investment articles for work related purposes when I stumbled upon this little gem of a quote…

Winners are winners, because they do what winners do. Winners know that they’re not victims of circumstances, because those circumstances are new opportunities. Winners know that they have value and they know that often, the difference between the winner and the loser was not intelligence, but drive and initiative. Go after what you want and don’t look at economic headwinds. You may not make it to the 1 percent, but to live a prosperous life you don’t have to be remotely close.

While the above quote was from an article about saving and investing, and I’ve completely taken it out of context for my purposes. I think it holds true when applied to the world of dating.

The difference between a winning date and a losing date is your attitude. If you have just a bit of drive and initiative, and go after what you want… it won’t matter who you’re out with or what you’re doing. Don’t look at economic headwinds, meaning don’t worry about uncertainties, or issues that are completely out of your control. The date is not going well? Relax and change your attitude to enjoy it, regardless of the other person. When you’re out, you should be enjoying your time. You’ve chosen to be out with that person, so you should choose to enjoy it too. If the other person is not enjoying your company or the date then end it early, or just know that it’s a one and done deal and it will be over soon. You’ll move on, because as a winner it was an opportunity.

Not all opportunities turn out a win, but winners have drive. They’re driven to keep checking every opportunity until they get a win. That’s the crucial difference, losers stop when they lose. Winners keep on going, whether they win or lose doesn’t matter, they keep driving ahead.

Hired Chef vs. Fancy Restaurant. You decide. (P1)

What would you prefer between two possible date ideas:

1. Hired private chef to cook a gourmet (3 course) meal for two.
or
2. Dining at the most fancy (re: expensive) restaurant in the city.

Tell me which you think is a better option and why?

I booked one and a friend is telling me I made a mistake and should do the other idea. I disagree. I’ll let you know which one I chose and why in my next post.

The Pointless Long Distance Argument

What is the point of dating long distance?  The bottom line is you’re stuck for a few weeks not seeing each other. Sure these days we have Skype and it’s kind of nice that you’re able to see the other person. But let’s be honest with ourselves, you’re still not there in person and it’s limited in the amount of interaction you can do with one another. It’s a temporary fix for a permanent problem.

Of course there’s the other side of the argument that you can’t date local because there’s just nobody to date and thus dating out-of-town seems infinitely more feasible.

I believe the latter mentality is probably derived from the old saying “it’s always greener on the other side”.

I guess when push comes to shove if the person is cute enough, or seems worth it enough, or someone is desperate enough, that is when the effort to court someone long distance will be made.

Shidduch Resume's & Photo's.

I haven’t heard any recent jokes about profile photo’s from online dating sites recently, but I recall it used to be common.

Remember the jokes about people putting up old photo’s from when they weighed less (girls), or had more hair (guys), or even fake photos. Sometimes outdated photo’s that had an unusual angle which made the person more attractive when the actuality was they just weren’t.

Of course for shidduchim purposes putting up a fake photo (or worse submitting a bad photo of yourself), is really counter-intuitive . But it does make me wonder how accurate are photo’s that people do submit.

While I used to say that I would never judge off a photo and always give the benefit of a doubt from photos, I believe that was more from lack of experience. While generally a single photo is not a very good representation of someone, and looking through several photos does help garner a clearer idea of the person. A single photo can generally represent enough of someone that you can picture the person just enough to help decide if you should make more of an effort to meet them. These photo’s are not for casual dating purposes, we’re talking about shidduch dating a more serious level. It’s not like people show random photos of you that they select. You pick and choose a photo that you think captures your essence best and you give that out.

I’m not saying you should nix the other person off the list entirely if you don’t like what you see, but certainly when it comes to things such as out-of-town dating and you have a budget/time constraints, sometimes you will have to make hard decisions who to see and of whom to date.  If they are local, I always believe there should be an extra leniency for dating as it is only one short evening meeting someone.

If a guy learns information about a girl who sounds like his type, and THEN see’s a photo which is cute, but he just doesn’t feel right about it (maybe she’s just not cute enough for him in that photo), and then makes a decision not to see her. He is often looked down upon as vain. Sure she probably looks better in real life and other photos, sure if he saw more photo’s he’d realize he’s making a mistake. Sure there are one hundred other things someone can argue about his rash judgement. Rightfully so he is probably making a mistake, but that does not necessarily mean he is wrong. An example of a wrong choice would be if he made his judgement based solely on the fact he did not think she was attractive from a single photo and decided she is not for him, then that would be wrong of him.

I am sure this opinion will offend many. Let me play devils advocate for a second (because unfortunately I don’t have many followers currently) to debate the issue.

Let’s argue that it’s entirely not realistic for a guy to start judging the photo’s and using that as a large basis to meet a girl. The reality is that not everyone has model looks and for the average guy to make decisions about the average girl from pictures is just going to lead to a very unbalanced situation where guys will have a skewed perception of reality and expectations of girls. It’ll lead to an unhealthy scheme of the shidduch world and it’s a worse outcome overall. Especially putting more pressure on girls.

I want to quickly counter-argue that point: Everyone has different standards, and that for that guy who looks at a photo of a girl and says no not for him, there’s equally another guy who sees that same photo and jumps at the opportunity to meet the girl. Thankfully men & women have varied tastes and desires and this I believe is what balances the scales.

I’ll end off here for now. Maybe at a future date I’ll revisit the issue of photos and shidduchim.

The On-Off Kippah Issue

Every now and then a normal kippah wearing guy ends up in certain situations with which he feels very conscientious about his kippah. I won’t get into what situation is considered kosher or not. I’m specifically discussing going out with friends for a good clean time.

At some point a guy gets into the situation where he realizes that he’s the only kippah observant guy and everyone around him is not jewish/religious. Usually at that point he becomes very self-conscious whereby creating a kiddush hashem is instantly on his mind (or the very least, not being a chillul hashem).

So, when does a guy take off their kippah? When is it ok to do so? Is it ok to do so? What excuses does a guy have to take off their kippah when going out? (I’m going to stay away from discussing heterim for taking off the kippah since much is very debatable and discussion can become even more complicated.)

Recently I went to a concert with some friends. Since no one specified what Kippah code to adhere by, I assumed it would be Kippah on. It was a respectable concert that wasn’t anything crazy, so no reason to suspect otherwise. The night of the concert as I’m picking up an acquaintance, he asks me what I’m going to do. I shrugged and said that I generally don’t feel comfortable taking my Kippah off and left it at that. All the while contemplating what I would do if everyone else took theirs off.

Do I follow the crowd and wallow shameful internally, or suck it up – enjoy the night and shrug it off because it was just for the concert and not typical behavior. (I didn’t bring a hat for backup, not to mention I think I look like a dork in a hat, I just can’t wear hats/caps).

As a general rule of thumb, I don’t take my Kippah off unless I know I’m in a seriously compromising and undesirable situation, usually the concern is security but can extend to other things if dire.

Fortunately when we met with the other guys I reiterated the question posed to me (I wanted to be clear and make sure everyone is on the same page), and the friend who arranged the tickets put things a little more squarely. What he said next really reverberated strongly with my beliefs. He said, “I don’t go to any places where I shouldn’t be wearing my Kippah. If I can’t wear it, then I probably shouldn’t be there”.  It was good to finally hear someone verbalizing the way I felt about the situation.

O.K., so some of you may be asking what’s the big deal – this guy sticks strongly to his beliefs. That’s great, but not everyone is as observant. Well what you don’t know up until now is that my friend (like myself) is not the typical religious observant bachelor. He’s not yeshivish, he doesn’t wear a black hat, he doesn’t profess to do anything overly right-wing, or anything too zealously. He doesn’t have time to learn every day, or hang out excessively with the opposite gender.

We wear jeans, shorts or whatever feels comfortable on our own time. It is healthy and important to go to a gym. We socialize and sometimes it is with the opposite gender, but we’re both keenly aware to stay away from anything too excessive. He, like myself grew up observant, went to jewish schools, has a strong jewish background, went to Israel for a year, got a college education, a full time working job… both saving money and dating for marriage and looking to start a family. On top of all that, still respect and continue to find ways to learn Torah and grow, it may not be every day but we find time each week.

We’re maybe what some would consider EB’s or JEB’s (Jewish Eligible Bachelors).

What we’re NOT is guys who fit a specific easily identifiable mold. Sure we can identify with some types of jewish profiles/stereotypes but we’re much more than that. We’re not afraid to explore and try new things. We don’t pretend to be perfect or be ideal or even strive for that. We are guys who work on ourselves and try to be the best at what we can. We are strong in our beliefs, and while they sometimes can waiver we are always working on going higher.

The fact is that we are religious observant jews. We’re not perfect or may fit the image that most women and girls have of what a proper frum bachelor should look like. But we wear suites and ties to work, we work damn hard (and look damn good too).

What we know with 100% certainty is which side of the fence we sit on, and that’s with Hashem and our fellow jews. I think this is the point of the statement “I don’t go to any places where I shouldn’t be wearing my Kippah. If I can’t wear it, then I probably shouldn’t be there”. It’s saying we know who we are, what we are, and which side of the field we’re playing for.

We’ve chosen our paths and found a balance in life that works for us.

Ungentlemanly, But is it Wrong?

Why is it that when a man picks a girl up for a date, he always has to get out of the car and go to the front door. Sometimes we meet the parents, sometimes not. All to often it’s awkward, almost uncomfortable, and always just a bunch of social formalities being said. Even then, more than half the time it doesn’t go past one or two dates before one side ends it, so why even bother having him meet the parents or approach the door?

Why can’t we just be allowed to call or text when we’re in front of the house? I know it’s not as gentleman like or chevalier as we could (and rightfully should) be. However it’s not like we’re in a relationship, heck more likely than not it won’t work out anyways. So why not spare the guy all the uncomfortable and awkward moments. He doesn’t need to meet your parents, he doesn’t need to pass any judgemental parental requirements until at least after the first few dates, and that’s if he gets that far. Big IF.

If anything, the guy deserves not to have to go ring the front door. We pay for the whole experience (and it isn’t always cheap). If it’s not one of those basic coffee or lounge dates the bill can really rack up. Factor flight/travel costs, meal costs, activity costs, rental or gas costs (especially for situations where the guy flies a girls in… yes I am one of those guys since I can’t always take off to NY to date). Dating is simply not cheap, and therefore I argue that the men should call the shots as we’re usually the ones expensing the entire evening and therefore we deserve to be as comfortable as possible. 

I know most girls dream of their knight in shining armor marching to the door and escorting them out, however that isn’t reality. Why couldn’t they wait until at least a second or third date when the two already have begun to start knowing each other.

As I see it, it is just another thing girls make guys do to satisfy their fantasy notions. Something I don’t mind,  just please not for the first date.