Calling out “Thinking Jew Girl”

I just read an article from the Thinking Jew Girl (TJG) blog. I’m calling her out on being stupid, immature, or simply has a lack of life experience. (I’m sure she’s a really nice person though.. did I mention she has a good blog! I’m now following it.)

She’s annoyed that a guy on a date told her she was “Put Together”. This was her coup de gras, the straw that broke the camels back!

How terrible is it that a boy told her she was well brought up, presented herself nicely, maturely, and a bunch of other strong values and traits that she presented that night on their date.

Shame on him for speaking his mind… He certainly went overboard over there… way too forward, what was he thinking? Clearly this boy must be a teffilin dater and TJG just isn’t one of those girls.

What a pile of crap.

If a man compliments you on a date… thank him, compliment him back, say what a nice time you had or make something up… just for the love of god don’t put him down… say something positive about him, the date, or something from the experiences you two shared.

Honestly is it such a crime a man tried to speak his mind and not try to sound too forward?

It’s not like he was trying to get you into bed… and he certainly could have said a thousand other things that could have come off as too forward, awkward, sleazy, etc…

I think you effed up with this one.

I think your reasons for breaking up with him were completely valid. No reason for a second date needed. But this was the straw that broke the camels back? Seriously? Woman you are not ready for a true gentleman in your life. Because Gentlemen compliment women when they can.

Lastly, I give huge props to any guy with the kahunas to compliment a girl on a date. It’s hard enough being shomer, a gentleman, or your knight in shining armor… we are hard pressed to charm and dazzle you girls. Sometimes we take risks, one of those risks is complimenting you if we’re interested. If you’re a beautiful girl, we want you to know that we see it… we think YOU are valuable. We want you to know all that hard effort you put into your life to find your basheret, we see it, we know it, we value it.

Don’t condemn a guy for trying to express himself, even if at the time it sounded awkward or odd.. give the man in the TJG story a frikkin scotch & cigar. You get Bro points for trying. Better to swing and a miss, then to never swing at all. Rejection is part of life, this man clearly faces it head on. Like a man should.

Kudos!

Believe in Yourself

I was reading up on some investment articles for work related purposes when I stumbled upon this little gem of a quote…

Winners are winners, because they do what winners do. Winners know that they’re not victims of circumstances, because those circumstances are new opportunities. Winners know that they have value and they know that often, the difference between the winner and the loser was not intelligence, but drive and initiative. Go after what you want and don’t look at economic headwinds. You may not make it to the 1 percent, but to live a prosperous life you don’t have to be remotely close.

While the above quote was from an article about saving and investing, and I’ve completely taken it out of context for my purposes. I think it holds true when applied to the world of dating.

The difference between a winning date and a losing date is your attitude. If you have just a bit of drive and initiative, and go after what you want… it won’t matter who you’re out with or what you’re doing. Don’t look at economic headwinds, meaning don’t worry about uncertainties, or issues that are completely out of your control. The date is not going well? Relax and change your attitude to enjoy it, regardless of the other person. When you’re out, you should be enjoying your time. You’ve chosen to be out with that person, so you should choose to enjoy it too. If the other person is not enjoying your company or the date then end it early, or just know that it’s a one and done deal and it will be over soon. You’ll move on, because as a winner it was an opportunity.

Not all opportunities turn out a win, but winners have drive. They’re driven to keep checking every opportunity until they get a win. That’s the crucial difference, losers stop when they lose. Winners keep on going, whether they win or lose doesn’t matter, they keep driving ahead.

Q. What is a Butterface?

Answer: A girl with an exceptionally hot body but an exceptionally ugly face. Everything but-her-face  is attractive. The type of women guys crudely remark they would brown-bag.

Oh for gods sake google brown-bag if you don’t know what it means.

Why would I blog this? A younger friend of mine was listening to WYUR this week and he overheard them discussing the term called “Butterface”. Coincidentally him and I happen to have a discussion on this very term this past weekend in which I happen to educate him on the term and what it actually means. Until this point he had some odd thought that it was this type of buttery facial expression or look that some girls have. Hard to describe without posting some photos…  no I am not going to do that.

Anyhow to make a long story short, the WYUR show didn’t actually figure out what it really meant and weren’t very educational about the subject. So here I am, educating you about butter faces. Voila.

It’s often surprising when I meet jewish guys that use terms without actually knowing what they really mean, or believe it means one thing but really means something else, usually much worse. What I find more often are “gaps” in people’s education, myself included. Jews, particularly observant jews often lead very sheltered lives for better or for worse. Over time we do learn many things but due to the sheltered life, we tend to have these “gaps”.  The result is a very politically incorrect and often hilarious conversation.

Once in high-school someone pointed to a girl and told me her nickname was “Truck”. I totally didn’t get it, it was beyond me. When I asked him what the heck he meant. He replied, “because that’s what looks like ran over her face”. OUCH.

Hey, I don’t make this stuff up. These things exist. I’m not calling it right. It just is. Bullying is cruel.

I don’t know where to even go with this… so I’m signing out.

Peace.

P.S. If there’s any other interesting terms you want me to write about, drop me a line.

 

Another good post by Bad4.

Another great post by the excellent blogger Bad4. Her blog can be found here.

I’d like to respond to a comment made by the first commentator Gavi who wrote;

I have given the advice to many people that dating, at least for the first few dates, should be about having fun with the person, seeing if you are compatible in the sense of simply enjoying each others’ company. If that works out, then you can start to worry about all those “deep life questions” that the yeshiva world tries to make you ask in the first thirty minutes of the first date.

@ Gavi. I agree with your last paragraph. Totally.

I think many guys and girls forget that the basis for a real/stable relationship is friendship. The shidduch process, and by that I mean the shadchans and shidduch resumes should filter people that are on paper compatible with you. The next part of the process is taking the person out and having a good time, trying to connect and start a new friendship. In this way both of you can truly enjoy each others company and sense each others chemistry.

If there’s a lack of chemistry or you’ve discovered something about their personality that doesn’t jive with you, or some topic that’s been brought up has changed your opinion about them. Then and only then does it make sense to end the brief friendship.

Excuses like you’re not smitten in love, or  whatever bologna excuses people come up with these days… they’re just that… excuses. Dating is an adult game, you have to be real, genuine, and sincere. Excuses are for teenagers, and we’re way past that stage.

There are many valid reasons for ending a relationship, but there are even more excuses… It’s unfortunate I hear people break up more for excuses then for real tangible reasons.

Lastly, I find that people take dating too seriously. I mean that the attitude they take when going on dates is too serious and rigid… (some might say anal-retentive…). The message I’m trying to portray is that when going out on dates, your attitude should be about having fun. It doesn’t matter who it is, or what they look like, or any other stigma we concoct in our heads. We date and go out with people to get to know them better, the purpose is ultimately to find someone you’re comfortable sharing the rest of your life with. One, two, three, four dates… whatever amount you end up going on, in the scheme of things really doesn’t matter, but being positive and enjoying your time is. What matters is that you’re living your life in the NOW, and you need to enjoy it. Whether you end it after one or end it after three, ultimately you need to still enjoy your life while you look for your basheret.

(Otherwise you’ll be miserable, and people around you can sense it)

You will be way more likely to find someone you’re compatible and happy with if you’re enjoying yourself and having a good time (re: positive) then you would if you got super serious right away. It’ll also be doing your basheret a huge favour. If you can laugh and be positive he’ll quickly see you for who you are to him. We all want someone we can be happy with, and it’s much easier to see that when your positive, happy and having fun.

When too young is too young!

There comes a point in every (single) guys life when he is eventually too old for someone.

To be clear, he’s too old to date someone, or she’s too young for him to date. There’s a difference between those two, but for our purposes it’s opposite sides of the same coin.

Example: A man hits the age of 28… Probably this is a good time to stop dating 19 and 20 year olds or the flip side of the coin… to start looking more at the 23+ range (I would even go so far as to start with only 25+).

The reality is that the wider the age gap grows the larger the differences in experience, maturity, wants, needs, compatibility, etc…  It’s a fact of reality that none of us can escape. We all get older.

There are always exceptions to this, and I happen to know married couples that are 10 years apart, but this is more of an exception to the norm.

I picked the age 28 in my example for a reason. I know of an amazing successful individual whose close to that age and refuses to date girls above 24+ yet he is older. Frankly, its gotten to the point its become creepy. I would even go one step further and call it borderline pedophilia. It really is when you consider that there are plenty of eligible girls 23+, and no excuses for not meeting them.

I say 23+ because the likelihood of a 23+ obtaining some form of higher education or work experience is very credible, and thus a higher chance girls 23+ are more mature responsible adults. Again, there are exceptions to this.

While I don’t consider men 26+ as old guys, I do consider them too old to date girls between 18-23 (unless the girl has been working for a number of years, or has finished, or nearly completed an undergraduate program of some sort for the same reasons as mentioned above).

While there may be creepy guys out there who only want to date young girls, Shadchans can also be as big a systemic problem. For some reason Shadchans don’t seem to understand that no means NO!  That sometimes too young is too young. What I mean is that I personally don’t want to date young girls. It’s incredible, almost every shadchans mentions girls between 19-21. I’m not sure what part of “I don’t want to date girls too young” they do not understand.

I’m in my mid twenties, so I get it. I get that potentially dating a girl 20 isn’t so crazy of an idea, and all the more so for 21,22,23 etc.. But… and a big BUT, I just find that no amount of “She’s so mature for her age”, or “She’s really ahead of her years” will ever make up for time and experience. Bottom line is, when I take out younger girls on dates (and I won’t refuse meeting someone, especially if they’re local to me) but the bottom line is that no matter how mature or whatever else a shadchan says… I will always feel like I’m a camp counsellor  or some sort of youth group leader to that person.

Men need equals, not little girls. Companionship is a two way street, and it’s an adult game.

When someone asks what I’m looking for I tend to say “a young professional”. I feel this adequately describes anyone whose mature enough for a relationship without being too limiting. It’s boggling that some shadchans cannot understand this.

Hired Chef vs. Fancy Restaurant. You decide. (P2)

I hired the Private Chef.

I actually asked a lot of people their opinion on this, and surprisingly most said they would pick the Fancy Restaurant. I was given many explanations why people thought it was better, or why hiring a private chef was a bad or worse idea.

To be frank, everyone who voted for Fancy Restaurant,  I disagree with you… wholeheartedly. You are just wrong.

To be fair, there were many people who said they liked the idea but they couldn’t or wouldn’t ever do the Private Chef for varied reasons. This is different then saying it’s not as good a date as a Fancy Restaurant.

I think anyone who sides with Fancy Restaurant is either uncreative, unromantic, or just doesn’t like to put any effort into the dating process. You have to be practical, hiring a private chef isn’t a typical date, or something to be done often. It’s meant for very special occasions such as anniversaries, milestones, and very special celebrations.

Anyone can just go to a fancy restaurant, it’s the easy way out of doing something special for someone special.

It is an extremely more intimate date than a public restaurant. (It’s still in accordance with all the halachas, the chef is there, so you’re good on Yichud!).

It takes no brains to select a venue and make reservations at a restaurant… It really is just another way of throwing money at a situation. Yes, I’m sure the food is delicious, and the atmosphere is fantastic… but a grande and romantic gesture it is not… at least not when compared to a personal chef!

To hire a private chef is a big effort, and a big expense. It’s not like you can just hire anyone to swing by your home and whip up a gourmet meal, we’re talking about some serious amount of planning that needs to be done.

You have to first find a chef, not so easy considering that good ones are often not jewish and even more often don’t normally cook kosher. Once you find a chef (in my case I was recommended someone), you then have to find out everything from pricing and menus, to costs and everything else in between. You also have to tell the chef you have some dietary restrictions, i.e. Kosher!

The funny thing, after I explained kosher, the chef – Vanessa, was totally all for it!  She was very cool about coming to my home and using my kitchen and my utensils. She even went to the kosher grocery store to buy fish & meat that I could eat. I told her what symbols to look for on products in order that she purchased the right ones. It was a really easy and very positive experience, one that I would highly recommend to all the guys who have been dating someone seriously and really want to be a cut above the rest. Or for that husband that wants something really different and special for his wife.

I had a great 3-course gourmet meal with someone special, it was far more superior then any kosher restaurant that I could ever go to. I was fortunate to have the cooperation of my family to keep clear for a 2 hour block. Where there is a will there is a way.

Lastly, to the girl who told me she would pick the fancy restaurant every time, it’s better, it’s better because it’s a status thing, because you can show off your guy and brag to friends how he spends so much money on you. I wish I could have told you to your face how I think You’re a disgusting shallow person. But I couldn’t and didn’t… I just couldn’t say it to your face.. Perhaps next time.

(Note: It’s very late… and I can see I need to make several grammar and structural changes… I felt I just needed to write this, and post it as soon as possible… I’ve had a terrible writers block since last time I posted… I’ll review all the above and make corrections over the next few days… As well as write a few more articles now that I’ve broken my writers block.)

Hired Chef vs. Fancy Restaurant. You decide. (P1)

What would you prefer between two possible date ideas:

1. Hired private chef to cook a gourmet (3 course) meal for two.
or
2. Dining at the most fancy (re: expensive) restaurant in the city.

Tell me which you think is a better option and why?

I booked one and a friend is telling me I made a mistake and should do the other idea. I disagree. I’ll let you know which one I chose and why in my next post.